Without doubt, there will be a very important question on a lot of our minds right now: How do I cope at Christmas when someone has died? We might also be thinking: How will the children cope and how do I support them?
2020 has been a strange year to say the least. We have all faced “Lockdown”, “Lockdown 2” and “Tier Systems”. Never before did we think a ‘day out’ would become a trip to Asda and a walk in the local park.
This year has definitely reminded us to never take anything in life for granted. Christmas this year also feels uncertain. Who can be around us at this time? What will we be allowed to do?
Something that might be most significant on our minds however, is how to cope when someone has died.
If you are reading this, you might have experienced a bereavement very recently or you might have faced many Christmases without this person before. It is important to remember that the grief experienced around Christmas can be painful no matter how long ago the death happened. There is no set timeframe in grief and it’s okay to feel the way you do.
A time of year that is meant to be so merry and bright can make things seem even harder. You might be feeling mixed emotions and it can be hard to think straight when you feel like you need to be planning. Having lots to organise whilst finding yourself pre-occupied with thoughts of the person who has died can be extremely tiring. It is important to remember that the build up and anticipation leading up to Christmas is often much more overwhelming than the day itself.
Do I celebrate? It is okay if you do not want to celebrate Christmas at all. Making sure you don’t feel pressurised into what you think you “should” be doing is very important. Trying to please others can have negative effects on your own mental and physical wellbeing.
It is equally okay to feel merry and bright and to want to celebrate. A lot of the time people feel guilt over enjoying themselves at Christmas when they feel they ought to be sad. Emotionally-heightened times can also mean feelings of happiness. Allow yourself to be happy. We might have lots of happy memories of the person who has died and special occasions like Christmas can help us to begin to focus on happier memories of good times shared in the past. Having family members together is a great opportunity to share memories, as everyone’s are unique and special to them. We recognise it might be tricky to get family together in person, but we shouldn’t forget the power of video calls to be able to share these memories.
Some of us might want to maintain our usual Christmas routine and make a special effort to remember the person who has died. We are ever likely to really miss them so sharing memories of them, doing what they liked or visiting a special place that reminds you of them are all ideas for involving them in your Christmas. Do you have any special memories of this person at Christmas?
Decorating a bauble
Decorating a bauble for the person who has died is a creative way to include them in your Christmas magic. A physical reminder of that person can bring comfort. You could include their favourite colours or have each colour to represent a different memory, with glitter to remember the extra-special moments. This creative activity initiates conversation about the person you are remembering and encourages sharing feelings.
If you would like to see some of the fantastic baubles that were decorated with Guy’s Gift this Christmas for some inspiration, please follow the link to Our 2020 'Virtual' Lantern Walk — Guy's Gift.
Keeping the routines you find comforting is very important. This can make a huge difference to the day, making things a whole lot easier. This will also help the children to feel a sense of ‘normality’ too.
A worry we might have is the fear of potential conflict within your family. Everyone expresses grief differently and it is good to be aware that this can cause disagreements within families. Special occasions like Christmas can be intensely emotional times and this can often be heightened due to everyone having different expectations of others. It is important to be sensitive to everyone’s needs and talk openly about what everyone would like from Christmas. Explaining and helping family members understand that everyone reacts differently when someone dies and providing reassurance that everyone is okay to feel the way they are can be a huge help.
The Christmas Next Door
By Samuel Langley-Swain and T.A. Creaser
The Christmas Next Door is a lovely picture book about a bereavement in a family at Christmas and how Grandad feels lonely. The family receive a special message from Grandma, reminding them of how the magic of Christmas is being there for one another. This is a thought-provoking story that could initiate a helpful conversation about grief at Christmas time.
The importance of self-care over Christmas is huge. With our normal routines of the school run and work being disrupted, regular patterns such as getting enough sleep and eating well can make a huge difference. We often want to make it a special time for others but we need to look after ourselves and take some time to do something for you. It is important to be gentle with yourself at Christmas.
Not only does this relate to Christmas, but other emotionally significant events such as birthdays or the anniversary of when a loved one died, as feelings of heightened grief are likely to be similar when facing a significant date.
When the thought of these events can feel overwhelming, it can help to remind ourselves of some of these ideas that we feel might help us. It can be useful to talk this through with someone you trust so that they can also remind you of these ideas.
We have to remember that there’s no right or wrong way to do Christmas and other special occasions, all that matters is that you do what feels best for you and your family.
Supporting Guy’s Gift:
We appreciate any support you are able to offer to help children and their families this Christmas, be that through a donation, or by volunteering with us. For more information visit out ‘Support Us’ page here on the website.
Post by Sophie Peel
