For many people, Christmas is a wonderful time of year and something they look forward to. However, if you have experienced the death of a loved one you may be feeling apprehension and uncertainty about the upcoming holidays. There’s no right or wrong way to be feeling at this time of year, whether it’s jumping straight into the festive period or giving yourself permission to not feel okay and to step back from traditions you might have previously loved being part of.
Some families tell us that Christmas feels like a happy distraction from the pain of grief, whereas others choose not to celebrate Christmas at all, to treat the day ‘like any other day’. Those who decide to do this tell us this is the only way they can comfortably face the day, without feeling the weight of their loss all over again. Parents or caregivers may struggle when faced with the fear of disappointing their children and are not sure how to carefully navigate it. Whatever your thoughts are about the upcoming holidays, its ok to feel whatever you feel and the plans you make (or not) are totally up to you.
For those grieving, Christmas can feel overwhelming, lonely, and just too much. So many families have said “why isn’t there a pause button for Christmas, I can’t escape it, it’s everywhere”. The thing is, pain and loss cannot be avoided. Christmas seems to be the bright ‘sparkling bauble’ wherever you turn. If you decide to go for a wintery walk during the festive period, you will mostly likely be greeted by fairy lights, blow up Santa’s and reindeers. It seems the more time you spend avoiding something, the more it will appear in front of you when you least expect it.
A few years back, a young lady explained that she had planned to avoid Christmas as much as possible after her mother died. She spent Christmas alone, in her room, watching ‘non-Christmassy things’ on TV. When she needed to go to the shop to buy snacks a lone bauble fell off the shelf. It rolled into the aisle whilst no one was around. Her subsequent breakdown in the shopping centre proved to her that the pain she was attempting to avoid was already there. By trying to hide from it, she wasn’t prepared for the emotional fallout when grief found her of its own accord.
Christmas will never be the same. The Christmas’ of the past are now memories, some of these marked with sadness. Parents and caregivers of children and young people may be asking themselves ‘what do I do?’, ‘how do I make Christmas work for my children and I?’ The answer is already there in your mind. It won’t be the same. The challenges cannot be avoided. So instead, I ask you, what does Christmas look like now? Are you able to use the same decorations as the years before, is it time to get a whole new set? Do you even need or want decorations at all? What do your children think? What are you all brave enough to face? How are you all going to get the courage to face each other on Christmas morning and say, ‘Hey, I know it’s different, I miss them too, I love you, Happy Christmas’.
Whatever you decide to do this year, and for subsequent years, Christmas can be defined as something new. It could be as simple as seeing it as an opportunity to feel love and gratitude for those important people who have died, and to show those who are still with us how much we care.
Top Tips for Christmas Time
Accept your grief. Sometimes the anticipation and run up to something can be more difficult than the day itself. Allow yourself to grieve.
Carrying on with family traditions can provide comfort and stability for some. You may decide to keep some, lose others, or create new ones.
Set boundaries for yourself. What do you feel able to participate in, and what do you want to remove yourself from?
Tell friends and family how you want to celebrate this year. Maybe you fid it easier in a big group of friends so that you’re not the centre of attention, or maybe you prefer to enjoy time with just a few special people.
Build new memories. Maybe you could create your own Christmas bauble in memoriam to the person who has died. Once you are done you can find a special place to display it or hang it on the Christmas tree. You might find this a comfort to bring out year after year.
Set aside a specific time during the day to remember the person who has died. You can ask someone to say some nice words over Christmas dinner, maybe write down a short message or even just take a few moments of reflection together as a family.
Whatever you do, and however you chose to spend Christmas, it’s okay. The most important thing is that you do what you feel comfortable with, and don’t put pressure on yourself to celebrate if you don’t feel up to it.
Guy’s Gift provides bereavement support and counselling for children and young people across Coventry and Warwickshire.
We provide this support free of charge.
If you would like to donate to Guy’s Gift to help support bereaved families, you can do so on our Just Giving page.
All donations go directly towards the support of bereaved children and young people.
